i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
