I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
