The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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