Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
