It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
