New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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