You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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