hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
