I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
