Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
