I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
and she was petting her beer can
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
