Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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