How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
