it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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