I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
