I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize