I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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