when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
