You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
