Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
