i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
