i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
