just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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