can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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