he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
