When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
there's paper in my vomit.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She told me I should be a condom model.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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