I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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