a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize