I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
