sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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