There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
