I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
