I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
