Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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