Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
