omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
