Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
