Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
