You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
