why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
