Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
