Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sext me about skeletons
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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