by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
