It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
