Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
