Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
