Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
