im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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