he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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