it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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