when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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