My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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