Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
