i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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