Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
