I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
