I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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