Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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