We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
